The longest winters

“When we reduce great things to such dismissive categories, we rob them of their selfhood and deprive them of their voice.” – Parker Palmer

I cracked open today. I can’t believe I have been refusing to crack open for so long. I really cracked. How can I continue to reduce my greatness to pretending that I am not limiting my self in my beliefs when I am? How can I continue to live as if I don’t ascribe to the belief that I am not good enough when I do? I said it today. I had to say it aloud.

We learned heart opening back bends today in Asana practice. I haven’t ever in my life been able to back bend the way I did today. After I cracked open… this is why.

A couple of years ago I hurt my back, just a few days before the final performance of my Masters. I could barely walk it was unbearable pain, I was nearly bedridden. And through the process of healing – foam rolling a lotttttt and seeing a physical therapist (my queen Phyllis) – I realized that I needed to crack. To spill the beans on something that had been going on in my life and in the life of my mind that I had to literally get off my chest. I had to get it out of my body. I knew this was part of the physical manifestation of my pain.

Today we learned about Ama – which is a sanskrit word – it means something unresolved or undigested.

Ama manifests itself as trauma in the body.

Here is my Ama – my limiting belief is that I am not good enough. It’s so painful to allow that to exist in my conscious mind that it brought me to floods of tears to say it. But what I realized today is that it is always there, littering my life with the fear and the conditioning and the layers of judgement that has solidified it and has compressed it down into the layers of me. The superficial layers that is.

I know deep down that I am good enough. I am simply a miracle. We all are. I know this. This I know. But before I can know that consciously and wholly, before I can know that through my lived experience and not just in my soul’s desire, I have to accept that in this very moment, my limiting belief is that I am not good enough.

I have to accept that it is MY belief. Though I have taken it on from experiences in life, been judged as inadequate in many realms of my life – friendships, family, life pursuits, academic pursuits, creative endeavours, you name it … all of this has affected me in a way that has been completely and utterly indigestible and so this Ama is my limiting belief.

Tears rolling down my face, I said it aloud. I was crying before I even said it because I knew I would have to say it.

“My limiting belief is that I am not good enough.”

There are many steps towards manifesting your greatest life as your greatest self. My first baby step today was acknowledgment. And my body felt the difference… my heart opened. My inhale feels lighter because I shattered that glass bubble that held a lifetime of data to supplement my limiting belief.

Now the flood gates have opened and the goldfish are gasping for air. It was always I who was feeding them. I fed them with judgements from others, I fed them with insecurities of my own, I fed them with judgements from myself. I fed them no one else did – they didn’t see the tank. I filled the tank with external reinforcement until it got so full that I had no choice but to carry it around with me until it cracked.

Today, thank goodness. It cracked.

And here I am stumbling through the weeds of waste, but all the while I am just absolutely thrilled to have begun. To have begun the cycle of releasing my limiting belief.

I am good enough. You know that feeling? I hope you do… no matter how deep down it is in your soul, I hope you know that feeling. Of being good enough. You are nothing short of miraculous actually – did you know that?

Love always,

B-

Note to self: keep your heart open even though it hurts. Cry and just let your heart be open. An open heart is a magnet to the things you want to attract. A closed heart’s magnet turns in on itself, attracting only what it can find in darkness. The longest winters always turn into spring, but what triggers the bloom is the process of beginning again through the darkness – an opening.

FYI (For your inspiration) –

If you are in the middle of an initiation right now, you will get through it and one day soon, you will bless the thing that broke you down and cracked you open because the world needs you open. You are going somewhere sacred. It will be worth it. And you’re closer than you think. – Rebecca Campbell

Sometimes, not receiving guidance is guidance in itself. Sometimes it means: wait, the details are being woven. Our challenge is to keep trusting through the void of winter.To remember that spring does always come. – Rebecca Campbell

How can we “downsize mystery to the scale of our minds?” – Parker Palmer


“It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage and beautiful country lies in between.” Diane Ackerman
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Don’t look down. ouch…

February 6th. I celebrate the 6ths of the month. For me you know? I was born on the 6th. It is my day.

On the 6th I read my morning meditation and it was about trusting our hearts. How sometimes (many times for me) we will go into different ways of dealing with painful experiences that involve the mind, instead of just letting the heart be trusted to accept the hurt and move on.

Basically running circles around the pain – intellectualizing it, agonizing over what went wrong, regretting every second of it, trying to learn a lesson from it, talking about it, not talking about it, writing about it, moving past it, blowing through it … but the body remembers. And the heart is built to love. Trusted love can overcome any pain. Is what I think this meditation inferred … I think that yes.

So it also said – sometimes we intellectualize things instead of just simply saying ouch.

Ouch.

It hurts me to say ouch. But it has changed my life in many ways just in this past 5 days.

Repeatedly I say ouch to death. Ouch to lost love. Ouch to betrayal. Ouch to feeling abandoned by people who I thought were there for me. Ouch to it all.

It really does hurt. But saying ouch some how allows it to be accepted.

How does it feel when you stub your toe and you hold your tongue? I don’t know about you, but for me I actually feel even worse if I think about it… because the pain radiates through my body while my mind is focused on not allowing myself to express it.

The energy of not letting myself express compounds the pain.

So if I think about it… the amount of pain that has been compounded in my body has probably got enough pressure in it to make a diamond.

Ouch.

Sometimes I stub my toe and out it comes – OUCHHHHH @#$%^&^%$#@#$%^ ya know?

Oh mannnnnn that is reality. Giving birth to the present moment is pain for real sometimes. But I will say this – it happens way more when I am alone and I wish it just happened way more in general.

But pain is the one thing that brings us to the present always… even if its only for a microsecond before we realize that we can’t express it in that moment. Pain brings us to the present.

Why is that?

Pleasure does it too… but could it be that in this life we allow ourselves to have pain more than pleasure?

Dancing causes me pain. A lot of it. Because I don’t let myself be grateful or acknowledge myself in my dance.

My background. I am not proud of it. I can’t even write that though because it feels wrong. Because I am proud of it.

I don’t let myself give birth to that though. I am holding my tongue.

 

I am holding my tongue on my dance.

 

Today’s meditation – what life is expecting of us. So how can we live the life that life is expecting of us? We need to show up fully. As ourselves. Fully. Full. Ly. Fullllly.

Today I got up and I went to dance. I performed. I didn’t have a single thought about being inadequate. Not until I returned home and got into the shower did I think about anything that could have tainted my experience of being full. Fully being.

Can I even put into words what this realization means? It feels like I showed up shouting OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH all day. Giving birth to the fullest expression of myself in every moment.

For now it is ouch.

But pretty soon its going to be oouuuuuuuuuuuuu.

 

Pain and pleasure run along the same neural pathways – two halves on the same weighing scale. So on my path to inner peace, I hope I can flip the scales a little bit in this duality.

 

B-

Belief. Grief

Belief makes things real.

 

Does acceptance make them real?

As it rains down, on my first day of yoga teacher training, I am reminded of a theory I developed recently  – that it might rain on all of the important days of my life. Maybe not forever… but I forgot about it until today – this evening, when it started raining.

It rained on the 31st of December and then it rained again on the 5th of January. It rained today.

I know you are here but the truth is that you are supposed to be HERE. Here … in Atlanta actually. That hurts my heart.

I don’t know what I am going to write when I sit down to write anymore. That is the best time for writing for me. Speaking my soul through my fingertips.

 

You inspire me. You really do. But every single day I wonder about what it means to be here and now I can’t help but think about why these things have to happen in order for me to really allow myself to think about what it means to be here.

 

Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit for the process of doing that throughout my life. But now that I have witnessed an Earthly life at it’s end I feel that I have been given a new understanding of …

I threw away a piece of writing a couple of weeks ago. You inspired that.

I don’t think I have ever thrown away anything that I’ve written. I am so afraid of letting go of things … Am I ? Well I wonder that to be honest with you because when I actually threw away that piece of writing – I knew I had to because it had things on it that I wanted to let go of. As I held on to it while I walked – looking for the right trash can to throw it in (as if there is a “right” trash can to throw away your angry thoughts) – I reminded myself that I have never thrown away any piece of writing before.

There is this image of what it means to be a writer that I have in my head – of a person writing and writing and writing and just throwing loads of pages on the floor, into the garbage whatever – just writing and discarding – I couldn’t ascribe to that identity of a writer because I do not throw my writings away.

Except that day. It actually felt great to do that but I haven’t done it since.

You can’t throw away the things you write on the internet. How do things reach you ? Through the internet or am I better off burning them and hoping that the essence of the fire gets to you?

Not every thought that runs through my mind feels worth sharing, but it feels sometimes like if I don’t get them out then they will all pile up somewhere in the room of my brain.

This week I learned that I am allergic to dust mites. Now I have an image of my brain, as a room (thanks to my yoga teacher training meditation today), that is filled with dust and dust mites.

Just like my life right now I have to clean up all of the dust. It has settled in ways.

But I’m still not too sure that the dust of your passing has settled yet.

I have learned so much in the span of these past few weeks. It hasn’t even been a month yet but I have been awakened. Eyes wide open in accepting the realities of what life is like now.

Eyes wide open. Living life and learning something new in each passing minute is how I feel that these past few weeks have been for me.

But clarity is coming more in my body than it is in my mind. You already know these things I’m sure because I talk to you about them. It feels nice to have an angel up there who I know. That is a reality for me. But accepting that reality makes me feel many things because it means accepting your passing.

I have to. And I do.

Today I decided that I am going to radically completely accept myself.

Radically completely. So… radically and completely.

Completely implies the passing of time I think. And radically implies the immediacy of time I think.

So in embracing the paradox of accepting oneself I have decided to accept myself radically completely.

Immediately and over time.

Learning from your life has been the greatest blessing I have received in a long while. I wonder how I got so lucky to be blessed with a heart like yours.

I can see how it might have been hard for you to live with this heart because I can feel mine now; so quickly change from feeling calm to feeling pressured. Literal pressure in my heart. I have to remind myself I have nothing to prove.

I love to write you see, I really do and I just wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

I love to make dance as well, I feel that my work has a place in this world but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

And I think…. but this I know is where my need to prove myself holds me back… I think that I know I love to dance too.

I believe I can be abundant, make a lot of money, have a great life … but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

It’s in my heart. How did you do it? Repetition is a beautiful escape for me.

Yet at many times in my life I find myself with a chaotic routine in this life.

Where are you ya know? I wonder that.

But then I feel you and I hear you and so I suppose that is… well it just is.

 

Requesting a bear hug please.

Talk soon,

B-

 

For You Uncle Tommy

The first sentence is always the hardest. But then I heard Uncle Tommy in my ear saying… Well that’s your first f#$%#ing sentence then. Move on…

 

Yesterday we wore blue for you. You wore blue too. That felt special.

 

There just simply aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe and honor a life, especially one as great as yours, but there may be a few words I could share about love that might express what we could all feel in the room whenever you’d walk in. And what we all felt yesterday from every single person who walked through those doors.

 

When I was thirteen you took me shopping for my birthday and said I could pick out anything I wanted. I had no idea what to do with that offer. I was so amazed and in shock and completely awkward (braces and all) that I just didn’t even know what i wanted. You told me – whatever I want. I couldn’t handle it. So you said okay I’ll spend 500 dollars. I couldn’t even do that. But we managed. Because you encouraged me. Like you have been my whole life. You encouraged me to let you love me.

 

The fact that someone could love me so much to see the infinite possibilities was something that I couldn’t comprehend until I got older. Because I learned, and I realized that I could see those possibilities in so many people and that You, Uncle Tommy, were the one who saw that in me. Always. So I could have spent a million dollars that day and if you had it you’d have spent it on me because that is what you do – you see the possibilities and you work hard to make them happen. You see the potential in people and you get involved to be a part of their journey. You feel love for a person and you never, ever, ever stop loving them. You Uncle Tommy, are a true example of unconditional love.

 

To let myself be loved by you has been one of the most beautiful, humbling, inspiring and fulfilling journeys in this life so far. And I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Because I look at our beautiful family, I look your beautiful children and I know that there’s not a single one of us who would ever deny the love they felt from you and how much of an impact your presence has made on them.

 

I want to tell everyone about the ways that I already know you are watching over us like our biggest, bravest and most caring guardian angel. But I know now, after seeing and feeling the love pouring out right back at you, that I don’t have to. Because every single person you love is going to get to experience you watching over them. That’s how special and powerful you are. That I have no doubts you will continue to be there for all of us. I will say though – thanks for fixing my computer because I thought that I broke it. I didn’t know you were so good with technology.

 

May you build the most beautiful mansion in the sky for yourself and have peace in that beautiful heart of yours. Nobody deserves that more than you. Today and everyday of my life I salute you Uncle Tommy and I hope that everyone will join me in sending a thought of love and respect up to my uncle whenever you think of him or feel him.

 

I just want you to know that everyone who meets you, loves you, exactly as you are. And I know you’ll understand what I mean because this is exactly what you do for all of us.

 

Love always,

Your BB

#SundayStories It’s not scratch…

So I’m learning about value.

Value – n. – a fair return or equivalent in goods, services or money for something exchanged; relative worth, utility or importance

This is really huge for me. I have this idea about what the USA is. What it’s about. What my life would be like here. I have ideas. I have had them my whole life. But they never felt like my own. They felt like … and still feel like, I have no choice. But I’m realizing that now and that is so powerful to me.

Basically, in 2017 I had to prepare for a big life change. 2018 has brought that change. I knew it was coming and I thought about it. It was hard. It still is hard. Because I realized that before, I had a life with everything I thought I valued. And I feared that I would be leaving behind all the things I value and not be able to have them again.

I am home. Here in Jersey. It’s different here. Before I even came home, I felt suffocated by the fact that it feels like money is so important here. Money is the trump card (pardon the pun if you so choose). I gave myself this idea that I would not be able to have the life I had before. That I would have to start over. Start from scratch.

But then these past two weeks I had to work hard. So flipping hard. In so many ways. The biggest way that I had to work hard was inside. It was inside myself. Realizing a bit about value. And actually realizing what I don’t value.

The truth is that I don’t value my experience enough to believe that I can have what I want now. And the other truth is, that I am so afraid of dying because I fear that I don’t value my life enough to live my best. And so if I died, then I wouldn’t have done it justice. It being life.

Knowledge is power though right? So now that I know these things about myself… Serendipitously I had the opportunity to have a conversation with a special person last night. This person asked me what I want to do and what’s important to me. And I had the opportunity to speak my truth.

I hold myself back a lot from speaking my truth. Inside my head I think “wow I really have a lot to say about that. I know a thing or two about that.” Inside my head I say “I have so much to share. I have learned so much.”

So why don’t I speak up? See above. Being afraid. Fear man… it’s so crippling. But in these past two weeks, I have been thrown into an ocean of fears. And yesterday, I had my time to speak up. Twice.

Aloud, to a room of beautiful souls, I shared my journey to realizing “wholeness”. Along with this, I released the fear of speaking up long enough to realize my wholeness. In front of a room of people, spontaneously I spoke, not realizing that this was what I was going to say. It was waiting there, behind the shields of fear. And of COURSE it was. Geezus haha I am flabbergasted a bit now because it’s like… duhhhhhh of course I am whole. I can’t be partially existing. No human is. But the mind allows us to compartmentalize. This is a dangerous task. So yesterday I realized that over the past two weeks I have had the opportunity to put some pieces together. IN this piecing together I have realized how this is my journey – to uncover my whole self. In the process I will discover what I already know (as I nodded to last week).

So the other thing … about starting from scratch. Nahhhh. Just no. Because what I have realized in recognizing my wholeness, is that I have that, the whole me, no matter where I go and what I do. So it’s not scratch.

I am not starting from scratch. I am here with everything that I am and all that I have lived, proceeding forward with a whole lot more than scratch.

B-

Thank you to the individuals whom I have met in the past two weeks. I’m grateful for the conversations, the energy, the experience, the soul, the life, the opinions, the perspective.