#SundayStories It’s not scratch…

So I’m learning about value.

Value – n. – a fair return or equivalent in goods, services or money for something exchanged; relative worth, utility or importance

This is really huge for me. I have this idea about what the USA is. What it’s about. What my life would be like here. I have ideas. I have had them my whole life. But they never felt like my own. They felt like … and still feel like, I have no choice. But I’m realizing that now and that is so powerful to me.

Basically, in 2017 I had to prepare for a big life change. 2018 has brought that change. I knew it was coming and I thought about it. It was hard. It still is hard. Because I realized that before, I had a life with everything I thought I valued. And I feared that I would be leaving behind all the things I value and not be able to have them again.

I am home. Here in Jersey. It’s different here. Before I even came home, I felt suffocated by the fact that it feels like money is so important here. Money is the trump card (pardon the pun if you so choose). I gave myself this idea that I would not be able to have the life I had before. That I would have to start over. Start from scratch.

But then these past two weeks I had to work hard. So flipping hard. In so many ways. The biggest way that I had to work hard was inside. It was inside myself. Realizing a bit about value. And actually realizing what I don’t value.

The truth is that I don’t value my experience enough to believe that I can have what I want now. And the other truth is, that I am so afraid of dying because I fear that I don’t value my life enough to live my best. And so if I died, then I wouldn’t have done it justice. It being life.

Knowledge is power though right? So now that I know these things about myself… Serendipitously I had the opportunity to have a conversation with a special person last night. This person asked me what I want to do and what’s important to me. And I had the opportunity to speak my truth.

I hold myself back a lot from speaking my truth. Inside my head I think “wow I really have a lot to say about that. I know a thing or two about that.” Inside my head I say “I have so much to share. I have learned so much.”

So why don’t I speak up? See above. Being afraid. Fear man… it’s so crippling. But in these past two weeks, I have been thrown into an ocean of fears. And yesterday, I had my time to speak up. Twice.

Aloud, to a room of beautiful souls, I shared my journey to realizing “wholeness”. Along with this, I released the fear of speaking up long enough to realize my wholeness. In front of a room of people, spontaneously I spoke, not realizing that this was what I was going to say. It was waiting there, behind the shields of fear. And of COURSE it was. Geezus haha I am flabbergasted a bit now because it’s like… duhhhhhh of course I am whole. I can’t be partially existing. No human is. But the mind allows us to compartmentalize. This is a dangerous task. So yesterday I realized that over the past two weeks I have had the opportunity to put some pieces together. IN this piecing together I have realized how this is my journey – to uncover my whole self. In the process I will discover what I already know (as I nodded to last week).

So the other thing … about starting from scratch. Nahhhh. Just no. Because what I have realized in recognizing my wholeness, is that I have that, the whole me, no matter where I go and what I do. So it’s not scratch.

I am not starting from scratch. I am here with everything that I am and all that I have lived, proceeding forward with a whole lot more than scratch.


Thank you to the individuals whom I have met in the past two weeks. I’m grateful for the conversations, the energy, the experience, the soul, the life, the opinions, the perspective. 


On my ownio

This week I had a rare opportunity – a whole week in the studio by myself. Working on Two Can Do … but also working on myself without realizing it.

When you have time on your own that is in disguise, it’s amazing what can come out.

Do you ever put time aside to just be on your own? Or just realize that you might have an evening alone? And then dread it…?

Because it’s like hmmm…. what am I going to do with myself? Depending on my mood it could be absolutely amazing or absolutely horrible and end up sending me into a downward spiral of all things awful about me myself and I. No bueno.

So this week was like… alone time with a focus. I was working on things but also at the same time inevitably I was on my own and being with myself. It was a gift in many ways.

Time alone in disguise.


It’s so nice when you have something that allows you to just be with yourself. I find it really hard sometimes to just be with myself. I have this idea of who “myself” is and when I am alone with her, sometimes I don’t like what I am faced with. It’s a predicament for sure.

But in this setting, when “myself” is working and is allowing the creativity to flow and the processes to be explored of what it takes to make my work, then me and myself seem to get along really well.

So how then, can we make it so that in each moment we are living in harmony with ourself? There is something to be said about accepting the good (or bad or anything really) in each moment. But also I think there is equally something of value in choosing to live each moment in a way that allows all of you to be in flow. When I am in the studio working like this, every fibre of me is flowing.

Equally, when I’m writing I feel the same way. So how about more of moments like these and less of moments where “myself” goes off on a tangent and I’m just here like… but what about the flow?

On an early Friday afternoon, here’s to being with myself and liking it.

Studio days alone are invaluable.

Talk soon,


What am I supposed to do…

Some people in my life will see this image later on in the week during my performance with the Step Up Dance Project.

Apart from that… this gesture comes from a line that I’ve written that starts with “What am I supposed to do…?”

So what am I supposed to do? Yesterday it felt like everything came crashing down. But it was like a rush – like a waterfall … no an avalanche – and once I realized that there was no stopping it I just allowed myself to heave-ho through it really.

It’s a wild thing how sometimes a person can really cry so hard. But there is something so lovely in the presence of the body while you release all of the thoughts that keep you away from the present moment.

For me it’s like… I have to allow myself to read all the thoughts that I didn’t realize or didn’t let myself actively think because I was trying to just be here now or trying to not let myself stress about things that aren’t relevant to what I’m doing etc. So basically it all builds up and then it explodes into this never ending (well it ends it just doesn’t feel like it) slide show of awfully charged thoughts that result in a lot of crying.

I slept eventually and this morning something slight triggered me again. So there I go – and something about it made me feel I wasn’t going to stop even though I had plans to be somewhere (at rehearsals) and I was on my way (walking in public of course… why why why). But this is the thing… sometimes I feel like I have to think the thoughts and I have to almost keep reminding myself of the thoughts until they don’t make me cry anymore.

Is that weird? I’m not sure but this process happens cyclically and I feel confident now that it’s like the wheels on a bike – always moving forward. Not a stationary bike ahahah anyway yes the cycles come back around always – as cyclical things do – but each time I am faced with the same point I know that I am further along in my life story than I was previously. And that alone makes all the difference.

I am grateful for the time that I am spending to learn how to be with myself everyday. No matter how I am feeling. Recognizing that I am a slightly different vibration of myself every single day – every moment really but let’s not go there yet.

So today I am really feeling the effects of emotional release. And the release has allowed me to be present and to give myself space to be nothing less than present.

It’s amazing how full one can feel in the present moment. Why do we get caught up in searching for past and future?

Talk soon,


Body knowledge

Sometimes writing things down changes the learning. And writing things down … is more for the mind to remember what the body already knows. Feels humbling to realize that in a way we are all just playing catch up with our bodies.

How powerful is that?

I’ve been through such an intense physical process the past few weeks. My body has gone to places that we’ve (all of me) never been before. So now that I have a few days off… I feel like I need to reflect in a way that couples the physical with the mental/emotional. But this is just to say that I actually won’t be doing that. Because I realized that sometimes I feel this need to separate body and mind and spirit as if they are compartments within a person. Maybe they are maybe they aren’t. Maybe sometimes thats appropriate. I’m not sure my opinion on that.

But my experience right now is this – I feel for the first time in a while, that there is no need to write anything down that hasn’t already been said and experienced by my whole self over the past few weeks. So what would I be writing? I have nothing to process. There is no need to look back because I have fully lived in the present for these past weeks.

So there is no catching up to do. And that is okay. For someone who writes as much as I do, this can feel weird sometimes. It feels like if I don’t write about it… it didn’t happen. Like if I don’t write about it then I can’t completely accept its existence in my life. That is not right. Even writing that my yellow soul is saying to me… how beautiful is it that you are learning to see this differently now B? It’s more than seeing. It’s feeling and experiencing which leads to believing.

If you want to believe, you have to see things for yourself sometimes.

Talk soon


Crossovers in life

I learned a few somethings over the past couple of weeks in Dublin. Two heads are better than one. Cycling is difficult when you are in the same lane as all the buses… and no matter how fit you are you will sweat doing it. Talking about what we do is important. Doing what we do with integrity and rigor is essential.

Crossing over is sometimes necessary to transmit knowledge and experience.

I had four hours to explore a piece I have been working on, in the company of like-minded individuals and a stellar mentor. I felt like I had four hours to cure cancer to be honest. I didn’t realize that I felt this way until the final hour. But I am so grateful to this pattern of cosmic timing because by the time I realized, I still had one hour to crossover.

What bothers me sometimes, is how it can feel like every one needs to be placed inside their ‘box’ so that we, as humans, can comprehend the world. It is something that I really feel strongly about because I think it needs to stop. That being said, I remember reading somewhere that we should always question ourselves when something is bothering is because oftentimes the thing that bothers us is something that we ourselves do.

So this is the case here… I put myself in a box. Choreographer. Which meant, at the time, I had to be on one side of the work – the outside of it looking in – and I had to work my magic from this place. Why did I do that to myself?

I wanted so badly to test myself in order to see how I could translate the work, but what I didn’t allow was flexibility in my method. Until I realized, with the help of a fruitful conversation, that up until this point I had only known the role of dancer/choreographer. That all the time I am simply Bianca – no need to put me in a box- Paige Smith. So why would I put myself in this box of whatever I thought a choreographer was and force myself to fit into a method that wasn’t getting me where I wanted to be? I had to crossover and I had to do from within, not out.

My final hour was thrilling. It was so fulfilling and I felt I was able to inject myself into that hour. I was able to mold the time around my method and to physically engage in whatever role or roles I felt necessary to translate my work. What I got in return was a direct energetic exchange with 5 different and equally awe-inspiring people. They affected me physically, emotionally and intellectually. This is what the work does and I was able to receive this exchange without the pressure of creating it. I am grateful for the crossovers in life. I am grateful for the opportunities to take these boxes and build a fort.

Talk soon