The longest winters

“When we reduce great things to such dismissive categories, we rob them of their selfhood and deprive them of their voice.” – Parker Palmer

I cracked open today. I can’t believe I have been refusing to crack open for so long. I really cracked. How can I continue to reduce my greatness to pretending that I am not limiting my self in my beliefs when I am? How can I continue to live as if I don’t ascribe to the belief that I am not good enough when I do? I said it today. I had to say it aloud.

We learned heart opening back bends today in Asana practice. I haven’t ever in my life been able to back bend the way I did today. After I cracked open… this is why.

A couple of years ago I hurt my back, just a few days before the final performance of my Masters. I could barely walk it was unbearable pain, I was nearly bedridden. And through the process of healing – foam rolling a lotttttt and seeing a physical therapist (my queen Phyllis) – I realized that I needed to crack. To spill the beans on something that had been going on in my life and in the life of my mind that I had to literally get off my chest. I had to get it out of my body. I knew this was part of the physical manifestation of my pain.

Today we learned about Ama – which is a sanskrit word – it means something unresolved or undigested.

Ama manifests itself as trauma in the body.

Here is my Ama – my limiting belief is that I am not good enough. It’s so painful to allow that to exist in my conscious mind that it brought me to floods of tears to say it. But what I realized today is that it is always there, littering my life with the fear and the conditioning and the layers of judgement that has solidified it and has compressed it down into the layers of me. The superficial layers that is.

I know deep down that I am good enough. I am simply a miracle. We all are. I know this. This I know. But before I can know that consciously and wholly, before I can know that through my lived experience and not just in my soul’s desire, I have to accept that in this very moment, my limiting belief is that I am not good enough.

I have to accept that it is MY belief. Though I have taken it on from experiences in life, been judged as inadequate in many realms of my life – friendships, family, life pursuits, academic pursuits, creative endeavours, you name it … all of this has affected me in a way that has been completely and utterly indigestible and so this Ama is my limiting belief.

Tears rolling down my face, I said it aloud. I was crying before I even said it because I knew I would have to say it.

“My limiting belief is that I am not good enough.”

There are many steps towards manifesting your greatest life as your greatest self. My first baby step today was acknowledgment. And my body felt the difference… my heart opened. My inhale feels lighter because I shattered that glass bubble that held a lifetime of data to supplement my limiting belief.

Now the flood gates have opened and the goldfish are gasping for air. It was always I who was feeding them. I fed them with judgements from others, I fed them with insecurities of my own, I fed them with judgements from myself. I fed them no one else did – they didn’t see the tank. I filled the tank with external reinforcement until it got so full that I had no choice but to carry it around with me until it cracked.

Today, thank goodness. It cracked.

And here I am stumbling through the weeds of waste, but all the while I am just absolutely thrilled to have begun. To have begun the cycle of releasing my limiting belief.

I am good enough. You know that feeling? I hope you do… no matter how deep down it is in your soul, I hope you know that feeling. Of being good enough. You are nothing short of miraculous actually – did you know that?

Love always,

B-

Note to self: keep your heart open even though it hurts. Cry and just let your heart be open. An open heart is a magnet to the things you want to attract. A closed heart’s magnet turns in on itself, attracting only what it can find in darkness. The longest winters always turn into spring, but what triggers the bloom is the process of beginning again through the darkness – an opening.

FYI (For your inspiration) –

If you are in the middle of an initiation right now, you will get through it and one day soon, you will bless the thing that broke you down and cracked you open because the world needs you open. You are going somewhere sacred. It will be worth it. And you’re closer than you think. – Rebecca Campbell

Sometimes, not receiving guidance is guidance in itself. Sometimes it means: wait, the details are being woven. Our challenge is to keep trusting through the void of winter.To remember that spring does always come. – Rebecca Campbell

How can we “downsize mystery to the scale of our minds?” – Parker Palmer


“It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage and beautiful country lies in between.” Diane Ackerman
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