Belief. Grief

Belief makes things real.

 

Does acceptance make them real?

As it rains down, on my first day of yoga teacher training, I am reminded of a theory I developed recently  – that it might rain on all of the important days of my life. Maybe not forever… but I forgot about it until today – this evening, when it started raining.

It rained on the 31st of December and then it rained again on the 5th of January. It rained today.

I know you are here but the truth is that you are supposed to be HERE. Here … in Atlanta actually. That hurts my heart.

I don’t know what I am going to write when I sit down to write anymore. That is the best time for writing for me. Speaking my soul through my fingertips.

 

You inspire me. You really do. But every single day I wonder about what it means to be here and now I can’t help but think about why these things have to happen in order for me to really allow myself to think about what it means to be here.

 

Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit for the process of doing that throughout my life. But now that I have witnessed an Earthly life at it’s end I feel that I have been given a new understanding of …

I threw away a piece of writing a couple of weeks ago. You inspired that.

I don’t think I have ever thrown away anything that I’ve written. I am so afraid of letting go of things … Am I ? Well I wonder that to be honest with you because when I actually threw away that piece of writing – I knew I had to because it had things on it that I wanted to let go of. As I held on to it while I walked – looking for the right trash can to throw it in (as if there is a “right” trash can to throw away your angry thoughts) – I reminded myself that I have never thrown away any piece of writing before.

There is this image of what it means to be a writer that I have in my head – of a person writing and writing and writing and just throwing loads of pages on the floor, into the garbage whatever – just writing and discarding – I couldn’t ascribe to that identity of a writer because I do not throw my writings away.

Except that day. It actually felt great to do that but I haven’t done it since.

You can’t throw away the things you write on the internet. How do things reach you ? Through the internet or am I better off burning them and hoping that the essence of the fire gets to you?

Not every thought that runs through my mind feels worth sharing, but it feels sometimes like if I don’t get them out then they will all pile up somewhere in the room of my brain.

This week I learned that I am allergic to dust mites. Now I have an image of my brain, as a room (thanks to my yoga teacher training meditation today), that is filled with dust and dust mites.

Just like my life right now I have to clean up all of the dust. It has settled in ways.

But I’m still not too sure that the dust of your passing has settled yet.

I have learned so much in the span of these past few weeks. It hasn’t even been a month yet but I have been awakened. Eyes wide open in accepting the realities of what life is like now.

Eyes wide open. Living life and learning something new in each passing minute is how I feel that these past few weeks have been for me.

But clarity is coming more in my body than it is in my mind. You already know these things I’m sure because I talk to you about them. It feels nice to have an angel up there who I know. That is a reality for me. But accepting that reality makes me feel many things because it means accepting your passing.

I have to. And I do.

Today I decided that I am going to radically completely accept myself.

Radically completely. So… radically and completely.

Completely implies the passing of time I think. And radically implies the immediacy of time I think.

So in embracing the paradox of accepting oneself I have decided to accept myself radically completely.

Immediately and over time.

Learning from your life has been the greatest blessing I have received in a long while. I wonder how I got so lucky to be blessed with a heart like yours.

I can see how it might have been hard for you to live with this heart because I can feel mine now; so quickly change from feeling calm to feeling pressured. Literal pressure in my heart. I have to remind myself I have nothing to prove.

I love to write you see, I really do and I just wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

I love to make dance as well, I feel that my work has a place in this world but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

And I think…. but this I know is where my need to prove myself holds me back… I think that I know I love to dance too.

I believe I can be abundant, make a lot of money, have a great life … but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

It’s in my heart. How did you do it? Repetition is a beautiful escape for me.

Yet at many times in my life I find myself with a chaotic routine in this life.

Where are you ya know? I wonder that.

But then I feel you and I hear you and so I suppose that is… well it just is.

 

Requesting a bear hug please.

Talk soon,

B-

 

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