#SundayStories Lay off the gas

The way that we do things is who we are. The way we approach things is who we are. Something like this. Our humanity comes through in everything we do.

Every single thing. It’s starting to make sense to me. The idea of what a whole self is and what a whole life is. You bring everything about you… with you… in everything you do.

Driving home from Boston today I had a thought about this. There are two ways to regulate your speed. Driving gives me clarity. An opportunity to see whats right in front of me. I either see brake lights or I don’t.

I wondered why I do and don’t like driving behind certain cars. So like I said… there are two ways to regulate your speed.

You can either press on the brake.

Or let off the gas. A little like life.

 

 

 

 

Just like everything we do, we bring our approach.

Talk soon

B-

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#SundayStories Receiving … weird.

Did you ever learn that rule about spelling words with i and e in them? I before e except after c…? 

Weird.

^^^ So that rule applies and is supposed to make things easier for us all. Except the word WEIRD is also WEIRD because it it is an exception to the rule.

Receive is a word that has been coming up for me a lot lately. And it is one of those weird words. Follows the weird rule.

But it is also a weird thing.

It’s hard. Does anyone else feel like it’s hard?

But actually it shouldn’t be hard at all. Its definition is simple:

receive- v. to come into possession of: acquire; to act as a receptacle or container for; to assimilate through the mind or senses; to permit to enter; to be given, presented with or paid

So receiving does not imply or require earning, deserving, working for… you just simply are given, you come into possession of, you assimilate, you permit…

So you just have to allow it to happen and you will receive.

Why is that so hard? I watched something this morning that was about receiving and allowing ourselves to receive the help that is already all around us. It sounds so simple and to be honest I’m sure it really is that simple. But I also have experienced what complexities the path to simplicity can take.

I also reflected for a minute and realized that I have built a habit of not allowing myself to receive. Of forcing myself and putting pressure on myself to do everything by myself. To be independent. No relying on anyone because I can do everything by myself.

Then what happens? I have a chip on my shoulder when I see other people expanding their reach and broadening their horizons because two heads are better than one. I get upset because I struggled a lot when maybe I didn’t have to if I would express myself to others or ask for help.

I have this image of a door that I’m standing in front of. It’s locked. Behind it is literally everything that is waiting for me in this life. All the things I desire, the ones that come from the deepest part of who I am- my soul. The things and experiences and people whom are completely in line with my purpose on this Earth. All behind this door.

Around my neck is the key. Are you wearing your key as well?

I want to take a look at myself in the mirror and say “That key is not meant to be worn. Put that key in the door.”

Because I can break this habit. The power is mine to break it or to feed it. To allow myself to receive is to be in line with what is waiting for me. Right? Right.

See that picture up there? That is one of the greatest, purest loves I’ve ever received. My great grandmother. Thank GOD I still have her because I swear she reminds me every day of what it feels like to receive what is meant for you.

I can learn so much from that baby girl up there. Because she couldn’t even reach the door knob. So she needed to let herself receive help and love to keep it open. To let her life be flooded with all the great things in life.

I am taller now. I can open the door. So what’s stopping me? This is my question.

The answer… not sure yet. Weird.

Talk soon

B-

PS. This inspired me today : Showing up for life

#SundayStories It’s not scratch…

So I’m learning about value.

Value – n. – a fair return or equivalent in goods, services or money for something exchanged; relative worth, utility or importance

This is really huge for me. I have this idea about what the USA is. What it’s about. What my life would be like here. I have ideas. I have had them my whole life. But they never felt like my own. They felt like … and still feel like, I have no choice. But I’m realizing that now and that is so powerful to me.

Basically, in 2017 I had to prepare for a big life change. 2018 has brought that change. I knew it was coming and I thought about it. It was hard. It still is hard. Because I realized that before, I had a life with everything I thought I valued. And I feared that I would be leaving behind all the things I value and not be able to have them again.

I am home. Here in Jersey. It’s different here. Before I even came home, I felt suffocated by the fact that it feels like money is so important here. Money is the trump card (pardon the pun if you so choose). I gave myself this idea that I would not be able to have the life I had before. That I would have to start over. Start from scratch.

But then these past two weeks I had to work hard. So flipping hard. In so many ways. The biggest way that I had to work hard was inside. It was inside myself. Realizing a bit about value. And actually realizing what I don’t value.

The truth is that I don’t value my experience enough to believe that I can have what I want now. And the other truth is, that I am so afraid of dying because I fear that I don’t value my life enough to live my best. And so if I died, then I wouldn’t have done it justice. It being life.

Knowledge is power though right? So now that I know these things about myself… Serendipitously I had the opportunity to have a conversation with a special person last night. This person asked me what I want to do and what’s important to me. And I had the opportunity to speak my truth.

I hold myself back a lot from speaking my truth. Inside my head I think “wow I really have a lot to say about that. I know a thing or two about that.” Inside my head I say “I have so much to share. I have learned so much.”

So why don’t I speak up? See above. Being afraid. Fear man… it’s so crippling. But in these past two weeks, I have been thrown into an ocean of fears. And yesterday, I had my time to speak up. Twice.

Aloud, to a room of beautiful souls, I shared my journey to realizing “wholeness”. Along with this, I released the fear of speaking up long enough to realize my wholeness. In front of a room of people, spontaneously I spoke, not realizing that this was what I was going to say. It was waiting there, behind the shields of fear. And of COURSE it was. Geezus haha I am flabbergasted a bit now because it’s like… duhhhhhh of course I am whole. I can’t be partially existing. No human is. But the mind allows us to compartmentalize. This is a dangerous task. So yesterday I realized that over the past two weeks I have had the opportunity to put some pieces together. IN this piecing together I have realized how this is my journey – to uncover my whole self. In the process I will discover what I already know (as I nodded to last week).

So the other thing … about starting from scratch. Nahhhh. Just no. Because what I have realized in recognizing my wholeness, is that I have that, the whole me, no matter where I go and what I do. So it’s not scratch.

I am not starting from scratch. I am here with everything that I am and all that I have lived, proceeding forward with a whole lot more than scratch.

B-

Thank you to the individuals whom I have met in the past two weeks. I’m grateful for the conversations, the energy, the experience, the soul, the life, the opinions, the perspective. 

#SundayStories How simple is simple ?

Okay … I’ve been thinking about this one for a few days now. I don’t feel the same way about it that I even did when I wrote the title. But I will say this – simplicity is layered.

Simplicity is something … that has the purest of intentions, the clearest of executions, but in it’s development, is as fking complex as they come. I mean my god. Whenever you think of something – think of something now… something that you think is simple. Something that you might say oh that looks so effortless.

Can you grasp it?

I’ve got a few things…

A white dress

A black dress

The sand on the beach

A snowflake

Did you ever think about how many colors make up the color white? Every SINGLE color. Every single one of them. Black? Absorption of EVERY SINGLE color. How many grains of sand does it take to make a beach? So many that a number probably can’t even describe them. And a snowflake… well if you ever zoomed in on a snowflake you would see that the symmetry and the unique pattern, as unique as our fingerprints in that every single one is different, their intricacies are infinite.

What about this one? Wow they really make that look easy. 

Have a think about that….

A ballerina

A professional athlete

A musician

A mathematician

What we see is a snapshot in a journey of a lifetime. That’s what we see. It looks easy to us because we can’t possibly imagine or witness the eternities that have been spent on achieving simplicity. This really, and truly, blows me away.

And what blows me away about it the most… is how much I value seeing snapshots in the process where things aren’t so simple yet. What blows me away is seeing a moment of layering, where the intention becomes just that little bit purer or the execution a little bit clearer. What blows me away is realizing that this is what it takes to achieve something that can be simply received and understood as simple.

I mean my god, it actually makes so much sense to me now. In order for something to be delivered in its purest form, it must be known to the nth degree. The process or contents must be completely clear. So how can you expect for something to be simple to you if you don’t practice the hell out of it right?

But here’s my issue… when I was a kid – everything seemed simpler. And I thought it was because I didn’t know as much as I did now. Now… I sincerely question that notion. I think I knew everything that I know now and everything that I will ever know in my life. I knew it then. I can’t help but wonder if every single one of us is like that. We know it all from the moment we begin to exist. Because we know ourselves. And what this journey reveals to us, to some more so than others, is what we can discover by seeking that knowledge from the inside out.

Simple right? HAH.

But it really is that simple. Seek and you shall find.

There’s something else I want to share. This is what has really sparked something for me about simplicity. This past week… I had to ride the subway 3-5 times a day. And I was terrified. I’m not sure how this has developed, but I have become extremely anxious in certain situations regarding travel and enclosed spaces. Over the past few months I have become increasingly anxious on planes, subways and elevators. I’m not sure why.

2018 started and I had a training schedule that required me to be in 2 different places in the city everyday, requiring me to take the subway to each one and from one to the other. Loads of trains. So freaking many. And every single one was terrifying in it’s own way. I kept talking to Erris about it, and she kept asking me, what is it that makes you most afraid? I said “getting stuck”. I was afraid of getting stuck. Why? She asked me why. So I asked myself … why?

I really asked myself- WHY? Why am I so afraid of getting stuck… well that lead to – If I get stuck, what am I afraid is going to happen? Then that lead to … something bad will happen to me… and so on and so forth until I came to the simple fact that I am terrified of dying.

Afraid to risk my safety because I am afraid to die.

Well as soon as I figured that out, each time the train stopped (and it happened a lot – because there seems to be a whole traffic system down there hah – duh….) I went right back to that. That I am afraid of dying. But then I was able to recognize that this probably wasn’t the time for that…. aka death. It calmed me. Slightly. A layer peeled away. There was increased clarity and purity. It’s becoming simpler. Being distilled.

The distillation has given me space inside. Space enough to find a method to tolerate subway travel. And now I am on my way toward recovery. It is becoming simpler. So if someone came on to the train and looked at me they wouldn’t even know how much I had to go through to be able to sit on that train as calm as I was. You know? Because it’s that simple. But it isn’t really.

I think simplicity requires a process. I think we are born knowing it so deeply, the simplicity of life, because maybe as we grow, for me anyway, we become farther removed from it. But because we know it so deeply, we can distill our lives and hopefully, become simpler.

Simplicity is humanity in it’s deepest form, a representation of all of the colors that make up white; a formation of the grandest snowflake in the sky, a collection of billions of grains of sand on the beach. Simplicity, is the complexities of a human who is in touch with the deepest parts of themselves. Who is cycling, revealing truths, shedding layers. Damn, it’s unbelievable really. Happy Sunday y’all.

Talk soon,

B-

Be magnanimous, darling.

January 1, 2018 – magnanimous – adj. – showing or suggesting a lofty and courageous spirit; showing or suggesting nobility of feeling and generosity of mind : FORGIVING

In an effort to live more magnanimously, I will be looking up one word from the dictionary, every single day this year. I am excited beyond believe about this little project of mine. I shall keep a record of it here. Happy New Year y’all. May you be blessed with magnanimity. Thanks to Cheryl Strayed for the word inspiration.

January 2, 2018 – ebullience- n. – the quality of lively or enthusiastic expression of thoughts or feelings :EXUBERANCE

January 3, 2018 – integrity – n. an unimpaired condition :SOUNDNESS ; firm adherence to a cod of especially moral or artistic values : INCORRUPTIBILITY ; the quality or state of being complete or undivided :COMPLETENESS ; see HONESTY

January 4, 2018 – intention – n. a determination to act a certain way : RESOLVE; purpose with respect to marriage; what one intends to do or bring about, the object for which a prayer, mass, or pious act is offered; IMPORT, SIGNIFICANCE; CONCEPT: a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge; a process or manner of healing incised wounds

January 5, 2018 – splendor – n. great brightness or luster :BRILLIANCY, :MAGNIFICENCE, POMP; something splendid

January 6, 2018 – cadence – n. a rhythmic sequence or flow of sounds in language; the beat, time, or measure of rhythmical motion or activity; a falling inflection of the voice’ a concluding and usual falling strain; specif: a musical chord sequence moving to a harmonic close or point of rest and giving the sense of harmonic completion; the modulated and rhythmic recurrence of a sound especially in nature

January 7, 2018 – motif – n. a usually recurring salient thematic element in a work of art; especially: a dominant idea or central theme; a single or repeated design or color; an influence or stimulus prompting to action

January 9, 2018 – faith – n. allegiance or duty to a person: LOYALTY; fidelity to ones promises; belief and trust in and loyalty to God; belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion; firm belief in something for which there is no proof; complete confidence; something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially a system of religious beliefs; in faith: without doubt or question:VERILY

January 9, 2018 – courage – n. – mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, an withstand danger, fear or difficulty; syn – COURAGE, METTLE, SPIRIT, RESOLUTION, TENACITY

January 10, 2018 – foundation – n. the act of founding ; the basis upon which something stands or is supported; funds given for the permanent support of an institution: ENDOWMENT, an organization or institution established by endowment with provision for future maintenance; an underlying natural or prepared base or support, esp: the whole masonry substructure of a building; a body or ground upon which something is built up or overlaid, a woman’s supporting undergarment: CORSET

January 11, 2018 – timbre- n. the quality given to a sound by its overtones as : the resonance by which the ear recognizes a voiced speech sound, the quality of tone distinctive of a particular singing voice or musical instrument

January 12, 2018 – religion – n. – the service and worship of God or the supernatural; commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance; the state of a religious; a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs and practices; archaic: scrupulous conformity : CONSCIENTIOUSNESS; a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith

January 12, 2018 – religious – n. – relating to or manifesting faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity; of, relating to or devoted to religious beliefs or observances; scrupulously and conscientiously faithful; FERVENT, DEVOUT

January 12, 2018 – spiritual- n. – things of a spiritual, ecclesiastical or religious nature ; a religious song usually of a deeply emotional character that was developed especially among Negroes in the southern US: cap  – any of a party of 13th and 14th century Franciscans advocating strict observance of a rule of poverty for their order

January 14, 2018 – faith – n. allegiance to duty or a person: LOYALTY; fidelity to one’s promises; belief and trust in and loyalty to God; belief in the traditional doctrines of religion; firm belief in something for which there is no proof … WOAH. I Looked ths up already

January 14, 2018 – endurance- n. – PERMANANCE, DURATION; the ability to withstand hardship, adversity, or stress; SUFFERING, TRIAL

January 15, 2018 – complicated – adj. – consisting of parts intricately combined; difficult to analyze, understand or explain : see COMPLEX

January 15, 2018 – complex – adj. – composed of two or more parts : COMPOSITE; hard to separate, analyze or solve

January 16, 2018 – reunite – v. – to bring together again; to come together again : REJOIN

January 17, 2018  – sigh – to take a deep audible breath (as in weariness or grief); to make a sound like sighing: an act of sighing especially when involuntary and expressing an emotion or feeling ; the sound of gently moving or escaping air

January 18, 2018 – flourish – v. to grow luxuriantly; THRIVE; to achieve success: PROSPER; to be in a state of activity or production; to reach a height of development or influence; to make bold and sweeping gestures

January 19, 2018 – inquisitive- adj – given to examination or investigation; inclined to ask questions; especially inordinately or improperly curious about the affairs of others’ see CURIOUS

January 20, 2018 – curious- adj. – careful, inquisitive; made carefully; precisely accurate; marked by desire to investigate and learn; marked by inquisitive interest in other’s concerns: NOSY; exciting attention as strange or novel; a lively desire to learn or know

January 22, 2018 – patient- adj. – bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint; manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain; not hasty or impetuous; steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity; able or willing to bear

January 28, 2018 – beautify – v. – to make beautiful or add beauty to : EMBELLISH; to grow beautiful

January 28, 2018 – embellish – v – to make beautiful with ornamentation: DECORATE; to heighten the attractiveness of by adding ornamental details: ENHANCE

January 28, 2018 – gentry – n. – the qualities appropriate to a person of gentle birth esp: COURTESY; the condition or rank of a gentleman; upper or ruling class: ARISTOCRACY; a class whose a class whose members are entitled to bear a coat of arms though not of noble rank; people of a specified class or kind

January 28, 2018 – jealous – adj – intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness; disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness: apprehensive of the loss of another’s exclusive devotion; hostile towards a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage’ vigilant in guarding a possession; distrustfully watchful: SUSPICIOUS; ENVIOUS

January 28, 2018 – friend- n. – one attached to another by affection or esteem; one that is not hostile; one that is of the same nation, party or group; one that favors or promotes something (as a charity); PARAMOUR; a member of the christian sect that stresses Inner Light; rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war – called also Quaker

January 29, 2018 – contemporary- adj. happening, existing, living, or coming into being during the same period of time : SIMULTANEOUS; marked by characteristics of the present period: MODERN

January 30, 2018 – resolution – n.- the act or process of reducing to simpler form, the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones, the act of answering: SOLVING; the act of determining, the passing of a voice part from a dissonant to a consonant tone or the progression of a chord from dissonance to consonance; the separating of a chemical compound or mixture into its constituents; the division of prosodic element into its component parts; the process or capability of making distinguishable the individual parts of an object, closely adjacent optical images or sources of light; the subsidence of inflammation especially in a long’ a formal expression of opinion, will or intent voted by an official body or assembled group; the point in literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out see COURAGE

February 1, 2018 – daydream – v. – to have a daydream – n. a pleasant visionary usually wishful creation of the imagination

February 1, 2018 – visualize – v. – to make visible as to see or form a mental image of: ENVISAGE; to form a mental visual image – n. visualization – formation of mental visual images; the act or process of interpreting in visual terms or of putting into visible form

February 1, 2018 – opinion – n. – a view, judgement or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter; believe stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge; a generally held view; a formal expression by an expert of his judgement or advice; the formal expression of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based

February 1, 2018 – judgement – n. – a formal utterance of an authoritative opinion; an opinion so pronounced; the final judging of mankind by God, a divine sentence or decision, a calamity held to be sent by God; the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing; an opinion or estimate so formed; a proposition stating something believed or asserted

February 3, 2018 – vacillate – v.  – to sway through lack of equilibrium; FLUCTUATE, OSCILLATE; to waver in mind, will or feeling; hesitate in choice of opinions or courses : HESITATE

February 3, 2018 – vacillation – n. – an act or instance of vacillating, inability to take a stand: IRRESOLUTION, INDECISION

February 5, 2018 – forgive – v. – to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)/; PARDON; to give up resentment of or claim or requital for, to grant relief from payment of, to grant forgiveness: EXCUSE

February 13- homage – n. – a ceremony by which a man acknowledges himself the vassal of a lord; the relationship between a feudal lord and his man; an act done or payment made in meeting the obligations of vassalage; reverential regard: DEFERENCE; flattering attention: TRIBUTE; see HONOR

February 13- earnest- n.- a serious and intent mental state

February 13 -ignorant – adj. – destitute of knowledge or education; lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified; resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence: UNAWARE, UNINFORMED

February 13 – averse -adj. – having an active feeling of repugnance or distaste: DISINCLINED

February 13 – exceptional – adj. – forming an exception: RARE; better tahn average: SUPERIOR; deviating from the norm esp: esp: below average

February 14 – privilege –

February 15 – institution –

February 16 – sphincter –