Does anyone else feel scared to be here?
It scares me so much sometimes to be here on this planet because it feels like there’s something to make sense of that is so great and in the meantime, the time that passes without me figuring it out, I am torturing myself.
I feel like I’m just missing out on something. There is something that I don’t get. A few things make me feel like I get it. Because these things make me feel alive. They make me feel here, as here as I am.
Because I am here. So are we all. We are just here. And isn’t that enough?
Yesterday I went to see Eckhart Tolle. Today I am here. In this moment I am upset. I am upset because I am not sure what to do with myself. What does that even mean though? I am already here so isn’t that enough? This I really believe but it’s like I don’t know it from experience yet. So until then I suffer.
He has it figured out ^^. Rising above thought. That is what he has figured out.
Falling below thought – some of us do it through drugs and alcohol. Some of us through excessive exercise, reading, eating, writing (hello), scrolling… anything to “take our minds off of things”. Anything to get us close to that feeling of just being.
Isn’t it enough to just be here? Isn’t it? It is. This I really believe but there are so many moments where I realize I’m doubting or I’m scared to accept what I already know to be true.
But what about this … if we just stopped. If we all stopped trying to control everything and “make something out of ourselves” – wouldn’t we all still be here? For the most part, yes. No one would die if we stopped trying to control our lives so heavily.
So why don’t we?
Why can’t I? I feel like I’m ready. But if I do then there’s just me. I have to be. In order to be – that happens within me. And who wants to be on their own … not me. I really don’t want to – it’s got me so damn scared and uncomfortable and feeling like I don’t belong. I really do feel like I don’t belong.
Does anyone else feel like they just don’t belong?
But what is belonging… Longing to be … eh? LONGING TO BE. Wow.
So I literally feel like I don’t belong. I’m not longing to be. Why am I not doing that?
Because it’s just so simple isn’t it… to just be. I have moments. Eckhart spoke about these moments yesterday and I want to share. You know those moments where you realize something after the fact… those moments where you realize you are having a thought or an experience? That is the moment when you can be sure that previous to that thought or realization you were in a space above thought – a space that he says is the Kingdom of Heaven – the dimension of spaciousness. Where you can just be.
I used to feel like I had to process everything in order to “get it”. Used to pride myself on my ability to understand things and so this made me feel intelligent and made me feel like I had purpose in the world.
I also used to think that I had to plan my life out a certain way and that this was the point of existing – to plan your life well and to succeed in accomplishing your plan.
But following that idea was hurting me. And it still is. I am still meddling in that because I feel attached. Attached to my own ego really. And attached to what other people who I love think that life is about and how they are living their lives around me.
I’m feeling called to share.
What if we didn’t plan?
What are the components of being human?
Who controls your life?
What if you said no?
What if you said yes?
What are you attached to?
What if we just accepted that we exist?
What if we didn’t force our hand to ensure that our existence matters (… because it already does or we wouldn’t be here)?
What if we just let ourselves receive and accept that we can do this without thinking?