In the meantime

Sliding. Legs open, rustling, the sound of hands on paper- what’s that noise?

Clear glass enveloping minimal sounds and closing out the actual volume of outside activity. Rough. At times. Silence at times. Is anything ever silent or do we just become numb to things?

Isn’t there just … a constant humming… a bit of shuffling… a sliding sensation

Eyes closed. In my left ear I hear … kids laughing. They play. The hum of busy streets. Cars passing by.

Eyes closed. In my right ear I hear … buzzing, humming, stereo. Shuffling. Stillness.

A bug hits the window. My eyes open.

Sensation. Vibration. Transfer of energy. Being intercepted.

And where does it hit me. It is about me. This is how I listen. I is physical if its imagined – things go through me.

How do we listen? How can we open up in the listening?

In the meantime… there is something about the meantime that implies waiting. But what if it just involves listening and being? Why would we wait?

wait – v. to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens (often followed by for, till, or until)

wait – v. to remain neglected for a time

meantime – n. the intervening time or period, as between events

Well it just sounds like a waste of time when you look at it like that. Inactive, neglected – no thank you. So why not fill the meantime with presence and activity.

I am saying this because I have spent a lot of time waiting over these past couple of months. Battling the waiting to be honest because I am anticipating a series of events (that are happening quite soon – next week to be exact) and I am quite nervous about the turn of these events. So nervous that if I allow myself to think about it properly I could cry.

But in the meantime I still have to be here. Because they aren’t happening yet. And when they do I will be well able for whatever the present moment brings. So long as I am there in the present moment. Usually when things cause a person great stress leading up to the thing – the presence during the thing is magnified.

Well I’d like to take that magnifying glass and tip it right back to this very moment. And magnify the meantime. What would you do in the meantime, if you could see the meantime as invaluable?

*The excerpt at the beginning of this post was prompted in a choreographic mentorship called Make & Move by a colleague named Sarah Ryan. The rest was inspired by a good friend of mine, and by life as I know it to be (so far of course). 

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Sometimes I get frustrated

I feel sorry. I feel sorry and I feel that I need to apologize. So I am sorry. I am sorry.

Sorry that I feel like I have figured things out and have allowed myself to compare myself to others because of the way I think and feel. Sorry that I compare my present self to past selves in order to force myself to continue to “be better”.

Sorry that I say things that perhaps I don’t quite understand because I am still attached to the idea of them. By this I mean that I really do believe the things I say and write about… but perhaps my lack of fully accepting them and surrendering to the simplicity of these things is caught up by how it makes me feel to realize that I am capable of believing things that go beyond what I thought that this life was about.

Pouring all of this out somehow makes me feel grateful. Grateful to the existence of everyone else that I feel the need to compare myself to. Not for the comparing bit but because of the fact that we are all here and that simple fact is driving me … now (since yesterday probably) to find space. Space within myself. The space where I am. I just am. I be.

If we can find the space where we can just be, if I can… and when I do (after the torture is over) then I can really approach every moment with no judgements. This is freedom of being.

Imagine a scenario where you could interact with a person as a completely blank canvas and yet still fully yourself. Imagine you could shatter the bubble (glass bubble I’m thinking) of the ego – of the idea of the self and the attachments that fuel what this image is made up of – and just be present with another being. If you could just burst that bubble and along with it any attachment to this world of dualities – happy/sad, rich/poor, fat/skinny, gay/straight, religious/non-religious, political/non-political. They are all one in the same.

They are all a part of this world that we as a human race have created. But what happens if you can find a way to acknowledge it and your place within it all, but remain committed to being here right now with no attachment to any of that at all? It is still a part of who you are but it is not you.

These are for me. And for you if you want. But somehow I feel I have to share them in this way in order for them to really be for me.

I am stuck on this – if I can accept now, then each moment is new and exists without judgement. If I don’t, then tomorrow is already filled with and by today.

Tainted. Why – when we are born a blank canvas… do we fill the need to fill it up? What is so scary about being blank.

Even though it is blank it is still full. Otherwise it wouldn’t exist.

Feeling supported tonight by the cyber world and grateful for that.

Talk soon,

B-

Todays and tomorrows …

Does anyone else feel scared to be here?

It scares me so much sometimes to be here on this planet because it feels like there’s something to make sense of that is so great and in the meantime, the time that passes without me figuring it out, I am torturing myself.

I feel like I’m just missing out on something. There is something that I don’t get. A few things make me feel like I get it. Because these things make me feel alive. They make me feel here, as here as I am.

Because I am here. So are we all. We are just here. And isn’t that enough?

Yesterday I went to see Eckhart Tolle. Today I am here. In this moment I am upset. I am upset because I am not sure what to do with myself. What does that even mean though? I am already here so isn’t that enough? This I really believe but it’s like I don’t know it from experience yet. So until then I suffer.

He has it figured out ^^. Rising above thought. That is what he has figured out.

Falling below thought – some of us do it through drugs and alcohol. Some of us through excessive exercise, reading, eating, writing (hello), scrolling… anything to “take our minds off of things”. Anything to get us close to that feeling of just being.

Isn’t it enough to just be here? Isn’t it? It is. This I really believe but there are so many moments where I realize I’m doubting or I’m scared to accept what I already know to be true.

But what about this … if we just stopped. If we all stopped trying to control everything and “make something out of ourselves” – wouldn’t we all still be here? For the most part, yes. No one would die if we stopped trying to control our lives so heavily.

So why don’t we?

Why can’t I? I feel like I’m ready. But if I do then there’s just me. I have to be. In order to be – that happens within me. And who wants to be on their own … not me. I really don’t want to – it’s got me so damn scared and uncomfortable and feeling like I don’t belong. I really do feel like I don’t belong.

Does anyone else feel like they just don’t belong?

But what is belonging… Longing to be … eh? LONGING TO BE. Wow.

So I literally feel like I don’t belong. I’m not longing to be. Why am I not doing that?

Because it’s just so simple isn’t it… to just be. I have moments. Eckhart spoke about these moments yesterday and I want to share. You know those moments where you realize something after the fact… those moments where you realize you are having a thought or an experience? That is the moment when you can be sure that previous to that thought or realization you were in a space above thought – a space that he says is the Kingdom of Heaven – the dimension of spaciousness. Where you can just be.

I used to feel like I had to process everything in order to “get it”. Used to pride myself on my ability to understand things and so this made me feel intelligent and made me feel like I had purpose in the world.

I also used to think that I had to plan my life out a certain way and that this was the point of existing – to plan your life well and to succeed in accomplishing your plan.

But following that idea was hurting me. And it still is. I am still meddling in that because I feel attached. Attached to my own ego really. And attached to what other people who I love think that life is about and how they are living their lives around me.

I’m feeling called to share.

What if we didn’t plan?

What are the components of being human?

Who controls your life?

What if you said no?

What if you said yes?

What are you attached to?

What if we just accepted that we exist?

What if we didn’t force our hand to ensure that our existence matters (… because it already does or we wouldn’t be here)?

What if we just let ourselves receive and accept that we can do this without thinking?

Talk soon

B-