What am I supposed to do…

Some people in my life will see this image later on in the week during my performance with the Step Up Dance Project.

Apart from that… this gesture comes from a line that I’ve written that starts with “What am I supposed to do…?”

So what am I supposed to do? Yesterday it felt like everything came crashing down. But it was like a rush – like a waterfall … no an avalanche – and once I realized that there was no stopping it I just allowed myself to heave-ho through it really.

It’s a wild thing how sometimes a person can really cry so hard. But there is something so lovely in the presence of the body while you release all of the thoughts that keep you away from the present moment.

For me it’s like… I have to allow myself to read all the thoughts that I didn’t realize or didn’t let myself actively think because I was trying to just be here now or trying to not let myself stress about things that aren’t relevant to what I’m doing etc. So basically it all builds up and then it explodes into this never ending (well it ends it just doesn’t feel like it) slide show of awfully charged thoughts that result in a lot of crying.

I slept eventually and this morning something slight triggered me again. So there I go – and something about it made me feel I wasn’t going to stop even though I had plans to be somewhere (at rehearsals) and I was on my way (walking in public of course… why why why). But this is the thing… sometimes I feel like I have to think the thoughts and I have to almost keep reminding myself of the thoughts until they don’t make me cry anymore.

Is that weird? I’m not sure but this process happens cyclically and I feel confident now that it’s like the wheels on a bike – always moving forward. Not a stationary bike ahahah anyway yes the cycles come back around always – as cyclical things do – but each time I am faced with the same point I know that I am further along in my life story than I was previously. And that alone makes all the difference.

I am grateful for the time that I am spending to learn how to be with myself everyday. No matter how I am feeling. Recognizing that I am a slightly different vibration of myself every single day – every moment really but let’s not go there yet.

So today I am really feeling the effects of emotional release. And the release has allowed me to be present and to give myself space to be nothing less than present.

It’s amazing how full one can feel in the present moment. Why do we get caught up in searching for past and future?

Talk soon,

B-

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