Some people in my life will see this image later on in the week during my performance with the Step Up Dance Project.
Apart from that… this gesture comes from a line that I’ve written that starts with “What am I supposed to do…?”
So what am I supposed to do? Yesterday it felt like everything came crashing down. But it was like a rush – like a waterfall … no an avalanche – and once I realized that there was no stopping it I just allowed myself to heave-ho through it really.
It’s a wild thing how sometimes a person can really cry so hard. But there is something so lovely in the presence of the body while you release all of the thoughts that keep you away from the present moment.
For me it’s like… I have to allow myself to read all the thoughts that I didn’t realize or didn’t let myself actively think because I was trying to just be here now or trying to not let myself stress about things that aren’t relevant to what I’m doing etc. So basically it all builds up and then it explodes into this never ending (well it ends it just doesn’t feel like it) slide show of awfully charged thoughts that result in a lot of crying.
I slept eventually and this morning something slight triggered me again. So there I go – and something about it made me feel I wasn’t going to stop even though I had plans to be somewhere (at rehearsals) and I was on my way (walking in public of course… why why why). But this is the thing… sometimes I feel like I have to think the thoughts and I have to almost keep reminding myself of the thoughts until they don’t make me cry anymore.
Is that weird? I’m not sure but this process happens cyclically and I feel confident now that it’s like the wheels on a bike – always moving forward. Not a stationary bike ahahah anyway yes the cycles come back around always – as cyclical things do – but each time I am faced with the same point I know that I am further along in my life story than I was previously. And that alone makes all the difference.
I am grateful for the time that I am spending to learn how to be with myself everyday. No matter how I am feeling. Recognizing that I am a slightly different vibration of myself every single day – every moment really but let’s not go there yet.
So today I am really feeling the effects of emotional release. And the release has allowed me to be present and to give myself space to be nothing less than present.
It’s amazing how full one can feel in the present moment. Why do we get caught up in searching for past and future?
Sometimes I take photos of myself … well I know we all take photos of ourselves lol but sometimes I take photos of myself and I am actually surprised at what they look like. Sometimes its a welcome surprise and other times its not.
But all the time I am me … right?
What does that look like…? You know I never really feel like I care about what I look like until I have a moment where I don’t like what I see. So what is that about?
The most beautiful people look exactly how they feel. This is my opinion of course. But think about this… if you just look at a person and they are so genuinely happy they look happy. That’s a simple example.
But then when it comes to what’s beautiful well that’s another story because beauty is a judgement call. Based on standards. What are yours? What are mine? My standards of myself are quite harsh if I’m honest. And then this is when I don’t like what I see. And I think… well I don’t like that because that is not what I feel like I look like.
Well this is what I want to start asking myself… is it what I feel like? Because if I care for myself and I feel healthy and calm inside I will look like that surely. If everything is connected… why isn’t it that simple? Surely it is. How you feel on the inside is how you will look on the outside.
Today I had a moment of overwhelm in a public place. I cried on a bridge. I just felt so bad inside, I knew I looked it as well because it was affecting the way that people were feeling around me, and I had to get it out. I released what I was feeling on the inside so that it wouldn’t affect the way I looked on the outside. This is how I see it now.
Hmm… this thought feels incomplete but for now I will just leave it at this.
“What do I feel like?” How I feel is how I look.
Sometimes writing things down changes the learning. And writing things down … is more for the mind to remember what the body already knows. Feels humbling to realize that in a way we are all just playing catch up with our bodies.
How powerful is that?
I’ve been through such an intense physical process the past few weeks. My body has gone to places that we’ve (all of me) never been before. So now that I have a few days off… I feel like I need to reflect in a way that couples the physical with the mental/emotional. But this is just to say that I actually won’t be doing that. Because I realized that sometimes I feel this need to separate body and mind and spirit as if they are compartments within a person. Maybe they are maybe they aren’t. Maybe sometimes thats appropriate. I’m not sure my opinion on that.
But my experience right now is this – I feel for the first time in a while, that there is no need to write anything down that hasn’t already been said and experienced by my whole self over the past few weeks. So what would I be writing? I have nothing to process. There is no need to look back because I have fully lived in the present for these past weeks.
So there is no catching up to do. And that is okay. For someone who writes as much as I do, this can feel weird sometimes. It feels like if I don’t write about it… it didn’t happen. Like if I don’t write about it then I can’t completely accept its existence in my life. That is not right. Even writing that my yellow soul is saying to me… how beautiful is it that you are learning to see this differently now B? It’s more than seeing. It’s feeling and experiencing which leads to believing.
If you want to believe, you have to see things for yourself sometimes.
I learned a few somethings over the past couple of weeks in Dublin. Two heads are better than one. Cycling is difficult when you are in the same lane as all the buses… and no matter how fit you are you will sweat doing it. Talking about what we do is important. Doing what we do with integrity and rigor is essential.
Crossing over is sometimes necessary to transmit knowledge and experience.
I had four hours to explore a piece I have been working on, in the company of like-minded individuals and a stellar mentor. I felt like I had four hours to cure cancer to be honest. I didn’t realize that I felt this way until the final hour. But I am so grateful to this pattern of cosmic timing because by the time I realized, I still had one hour to crossover.
What bothers me sometimes, is how it can feel like every one needs to be placed inside their ‘box’ so that we, as humans, can comprehend the world. It is something that I really feel strongly about because I think it needs to stop. That being said, I remember reading somewhere that we should always question ourselves when something is bothering is because oftentimes the thing that bothers us is something that we ourselves do.
So this is the case here… I put myself in a box. Choreographer. Which meant, at the time, I had to be on one side of the work – the outside of it looking in – and I had to work my magic from this place. Why did I do that to myself?
I wanted so badly to test myself in order to see how I could translate the work, but what I didn’t allow was flexibility in my method. Until I realized, with the help of a fruitful conversation, that up until this point I had only known the role of dancer/choreographer. That all the time I am simply Bianca – no need to put me in a box- Paige Smith. So why would I put myself in this box of whatever I thought a choreographer was and force myself to fit into a method that wasn’t getting me where I wanted to be? I had to crossover and I had to do from within, not out.
My final hour was thrilling. It was so fulfilling and I felt I was able to inject myself into that hour. I was able to mold the time around my method and to physically engage in whatever role or roles I felt necessary to translate my work. What I got in return was a direct energetic exchange with 5 different and equally awe-inspiring people. They affected me physically, emotionally and intellectually. This is what the work does and I was able to receive this exchange without the pressure of creating it. I am grateful for the crossovers in life. I am grateful for the opportunities to take these boxes and build a fort.