Visiting. Coming. Going. Staying. Leaving.

I flossed my teeth this morning. It was very painful and my gums were bleeding quite a bit. A while back, I made a really good habit of flossing daily. It was something I did for myself and it really made a difference to my daily life believe it or not.

Somewhere along the line I stopped. I stopped doing that for myself. But today on the 5th of July I started again. This day is significant in my life believe it or not – I didn’t realize it until I looked at my Facebook memories. A year ago today I moved out of my house and into the house I live in now. Five years ago today a very special person in my life booked flights to visit me and what followed changed my life significantly. And in the present moment today is my last full day home before I head back to Ireland.

It’s a funny feeling, feeling like a visitor in my homeplace. I was thinking about it in my half sleep this morning – that phrase – home is where your heart is. And just reflecting on my journey over the past 4/5 years since Ireland has become a part of my life.

My heart was always in Jersey. Until I discovered Ireland and my spirit soul felt free and light. Being in Ireland allowed me to connect more deeply with the deepest parts of who I am. And since then I have felt my heart was there. So that’s the funny thing – home is where the heart is – my heart and home were in Jersey and then my heart and subsequently my home were in Ireland and this morning it hit me – my heart is in me. So my home should be where my heart is – and I should be able to feel at home in myself.

I don’t. And so because of that I am in a predicament where I feel like a visitor everywhere. And a native nowhere. I spoke out loud this morning a desire for everyone who I love to just know exactly how much I love them. Because it overwhelms me on a daily basis and this is why I find it so hard to come and go. So this is to all of my special friends and family who I know and love:

I wish that you could know, how your being gives me purpose. I wish you could feel the love that I have in my heart and gratitude for your existence that I feel every single day. I wish that I had a million hours in the day to spend with you, talking with you and laughing with you, reminiscing with you and pondering life with you.

Know that I want the absolute best for you and that I want to be able to be a part of your life, in any way that is meaningful to both you and I. Know that I am absolutely terrified of ever losing you, disappointing you or hurting your feelings. And please know that I think the world of you and I appreciate and acknowledge both the life you have lived and are creating for yourself.

I wish peace and joy for you, always.

Why am I writing this? Well because I feel like I have to so that I can let go. Let go of the responsibility, guilt and torture. I am torturing myself and wrecked with guilt every day, hurting deeply every day over things. Coming back home to these feelings is very hard. Leaving before I’ve dealt with them properly is even harder. And staying this whole time while feeling this way has been slightly torturous.

I love being home. I love seeing my family and friends. So so so very much. But I am facing a terrible storm inside every time I am home. And it’s so hard to acknowledge it because it makes me feel like I don’t belong. It makes me feel unloved and uncared for.

It reveals to me how I feel about myself. I don’t feel this way when I am in Ireland. I am never embarrassed of who I am over there or afraid to act how I want to act in case it might make someone else feel uncomfortable. So to come home and feel these things reveals deep revelations to me about my humanity.

The truth is that I am hurting so much to leave this place that I have called home for so long, with these people who I love so much. But I am also hurting to realize that I am not looking forward to the time alone that is upcoming for me. The time apart from the people who have been so invested in me has been such a blessing for me. But now as I return to that I am realizing that I still have yet to fully learn how to use that to become more invested in myself. That is my missing link. That is what leaves me feeling unloved, uncared for and scared to be on my own. It also leaves me scared to return because I don’t want to fall back into the patterns of using my beautiful network to fill the void.

I also have to say some things to some people that I am afraid to say. I am so afraid to speak my mind. Where did this come from? I just don’t know. But holding it in is hurting me. And avoiding these conversations is hurting my relationships. Having this hanging around right before my departure to the Emerald Isle is distressing to me. So perhaps I can find a way to say them here. To some family members I need to say – I wish that you could see how much I am hurting over the new realities and the old wounds uncovered. Because of this I pray on my own for peace in my heart and life but also can’t help but have a desire for things to change for the better. But in truth I am suffering greatly and I hope that you do not take any offense to this because I need a bit of space now. I hope that when I return that we can discuss the things that are important to me without pressure and most importantly with enough time for me to stick around to continue the conversation and for us to work through the consequences together. 

These days I just find my mind to be filled with so many thoughts and plans and schemes in order to fit everything in. I feel so much pressure and then I feel good about myself when I have managed to fit it all in. But the truth is I am longing for the life with balance. Balance with time for me and time for you (all the special yous in my life) and time for making spontaneous decisions and running with the day. It is neither here (Jersey) nor there anymore (Ireland).

This realization hits me deeply. And hard. But letting it go here lightens my load slightly. I follow a spiritual mentor who pulls Angel Cards daily and shares them on Instagram. This morning the card was Meditation. Yesterday the card was Author. There is a message for me that has to do with writing, and with making quiet time to listen to messages that are being sent.

So this morning/afternoon I tried to listen. And all of this was ready to come out. Thank goodness to be honest because it feels so hard to hold all the hurt inside. Lighter. A bit lighter now.

B-

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