These days

See that up there ^^? She would never admit it, but she was petrified of looking the way she was feeling at the time… like sh*t.

April 2014… I had just started dancing again after 13.5 months off. I ruptured my achilles… got operated on… and began the long long long road to recovery. Well when I heard the snap of my tendon… along with that went my confidence in myself, my identity, and almost all of my pride.

My goodness, I used to think… I don’t want to be here anymore. What am I going to do if I can’t dance? Who am I without dancing? For months I fought with myself through sleepless nights, pointless days (they felt pointless anyway) and conversations with myself just continuously asking myself… what is the point?

It was a very low time for me, but after those 13.5 months – when the opportunity arose for me to do a photoshoot on the beach with a very talented photographer (Sasha M Photography), I felt brave enough – for the first time in over a year.

That day the beach was very cold. It was extremely windy and my legs and toes were numb from being bare. Something about that numbness though… reminded me of times past and comforted me in a way … because I knew that with my hopping around on the beach that day… those times had definitely passed.

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend at the time, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through the lowest point on that journey. I am thankful everyday for her presence in my life, especially at that time.

That time, too, has passed. Life has lead us our separate ways and what I am left with now, being on my own, is the residue of years of not loving myself enough. Not being able to see the girl in that photo for who she actually is.

There is so much power in accepting yourself unconditionally. When I look at that photo, I want to hug that beautiful, powerful, inspiring woman so tight. I want to squeeze her and I want to remind her that she is so human and so real and the essence of herself is an excellent addition to what already exists in this world.

From experience, it seems that the last thing we want to do is see ourselves… you know… really see ourselves. And I’ve seen people put themselves through a serious amount of (legal) torture before they would simply accept their feelings, their situation, their abilities or simply what they see when they look in the mirror. I’m guilty. Are you?

Let’s just stop that now, okay? Just remember … it only takes two arms to give a good hug… and most of us are lucky enough to have two arms… isn’t that funny?! Hug yourself.

Speak your truth. Live your life from the inside out because what you have inside is too beautiful and too YOUnique not to share.

 

Inspired by: #worldmentalhealthday #internationaldayofthegirl #nationalcomingoutday

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