Feeling lost… sitting on the sun.

I just feel like I’ve given up. But how can I fight for something that has been trying so hard to get away from me to begin with?

I feel lost in this big huge world. There are so many people and many of them are trying to make it and sometimes to make a difference. Well so am I. So am I. Growing up I was raised to feel like I could do anything that I wanted to do. I’m sure I’m not the only one. The other thing is that I wholeheartedly believed it. Despite family members, friends or colleagues commenting on my choices or challenging my beliefs, I believed it and I still do. But think about it… anything is a lot of stuff. Anything means so many things really. So what then? What do I want to do?

I’m sitting here in a cafe in the middle of nowhere Germany, on my day off during this crazy dance tour I’m on and I’m feeling sad. Extremely sad if I’m honest. I’ve achieved a goal of mine, I’ve always wanted to be in a show. But I also always thought that I would love it. The reality is that I love parts of it. And the parts that I love are what make up for the parts I don’t love. I suppose that is life though? Give and take really.

The sadness comes in though, because I have higher goals now. And I’ve come to realize that I have absolutely no plan as to how to achieve them. I had one, but it has fallen through. Well actually… I let it go. Because it wasn’t right for me. I need to be allowed to be free and express myself. I need to feel supported and I don’t. I felt challenged and like I had to defend my skills. But now it feels like I need a break. I am disappointed. I am upset, I feel hurt. I have also decided to let myself feel these things now because at first I tried to push them away because I felt ashamed of them.

But the fact is that I feel desperate. Desperate to find my place in this world and not just to find my spot and fit into it. I want to dig my way through so that I can create the perfect spot for me. I’m not willing to just step into someone else’s spot or fill in a void that has been left behind. Give me my shovel because I am digging. I am determined to carve out my place in the world. To make a dent in it and to make a difference in people’s lives.

But for now, I’m just sitting in this cafe pondering it all and feeling a bit lost. I thought I had come to a point in this path where I could settle down a bit, but it turns out that now is the time to keep digging. Thank goodness for Chai Tea and wifi. It helps to temporarily ease the pain of bearing the burden of being a young person today: being told you can be great and make a difference, while so many other people are being told the same thing and there simply isn’t much room to be different anymore.

How do you bear it? The burden. I do it through tea and writing. And through hugs and chats with friends, when I can. But for now it’s just me and my chai tea because I’m here in Germany, feeling lonely and living for the stage. Wrecking my head for a plan, even though I know Rome wasn’t built in a day. It probably took at least a few days to come up with the blueprint right?

I just feel like there is this brilliance within me. I have so much that I want to give. It’s like sitting on the sun. It can be unbearable when you can’t just let it shine.

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