Blahhh… Since the end of July my life has been CRAZY. It has been so busy! I can’t even get over it. Today…after this weekend I feel like I finally have had a bit of a chance to breathe and have some fun! I’ve been doing lots of fun things… but I felt so crazy and busy that it became a bit like… you know that kind of thing where you are like.. okay this is supposed to be fun, I”m having fun… am I enjoying this? Yeah definitely. Even though you aren’t really sure because things are a bit hectic.
Or that kind of thing that is fun in retrospect. Looking back you are like oh wow that was fun or I had so much fun doing that. It’s been that kind of life this past month (aka October). But NOWWWW my favorite month of the year is here. And I swear that November brings a special kind of fabulousness into my life every year. Everything just is better. I absolutely love my birthday (November 6th) and I thoroughly enjoy the days leading up to it as well as the celebrations during and after it. So excited!!
That’s not why I’m here though. Back finally in my little corner of the inter webs… FINALLY.
I haven’t been able to write. Just haven’t been able to. Under the guise of being “too busy”, but really the reality is that I’ve been too ashamed or too confused to write for a little while. I am in a massive transition.
I am leaving my job. Gracefully, but still I am moving on. It is the strangest feeling. This is what I want to do. But I don’t know what I am moving on to. Because of this life that I am living. I’m not willing to give up on following my passions just yet. So I know I am ready to move on…but to what? Well see I thought I had it figured out… and then the shame sets in and the worry.
Do I still feel like I want to do what I wanted to do? Did I even want to do it that badly in the first place? Am I satisfied now and ready to move on? It’s quite a lot. Very overwhelming and that is how I felt all of last week. Except I couldn’t for the life of me put it into words. So I didn’t feel like dealing with myself. If you love to write and you use it as a release… then you know this… when you don’t feel like dealing with yourself – the last thing you want to do is write. So there I was.
Stuck. Until Wednesday.
I sat in a cafe last Wednesday. And all I wanted to do was write. But I had no pen. Literally had no pen. I typed on my phone (lost the entire post by the way… wehh) frantically just about every single detail of minutia that was going on around me. The guys eating their sandwich in less than 5 minutes, the disgusting taster of soup that I had and thank goodness I didn’t get it etc. etc. All the time feeling horrible and sulky and just wishing I could write because I was finally ready. Then… with a fully belly(which is so ironic- thank you 3rd Chakra… more on that later)… I gained some bravery and asked my server to borrow a pen.
WELL… problem solved and about an hour and 15/20 pages later… I had written. And things have started to meld together since then. The wheels have been cranking and I can deal with myself again. This all was helped by an amazing dance performance and night out with friends, and an entire weekend of basically tagging out of life (no phones, no nonsense, no working out, no dancing, just friends and sleep and chinese food).
So now I’m back. And I just want to write. I frequently daydream about myself sitting in my most favorite spot (to be determined) and just writing… but being passionately involved in what I was writing and doing it for a purpose. I will write a book one day.