I got 12.5 hours of sleep last night. Woah. I’m not sure what happened in that time, but it feels like my mind is going to explode. Usually sleeping helps people feel refreshed. Well not me I guess. Not every time at least. My body feels much better. I have been pushing myself to the point of exhaustion for about a month now so it is nice to get the extra sleep.
Up in the nogginsphere though? It feels like WWIII. I am used to having a big thing to look forward to. A goal or an event or something that keeps me going and excited. I think I’ve run out again… so I need something. And for me it has to be tangible. Because I have goals and dreams and hopes and all of that ALL the time. I mean constantly. I have a few right now. But it makes me feel crazy when I feel like I haven’t done anything about them or don’t even have a plan to do something. Tons of ideas but what am I going to DOOOO. I am in this in between phase in life because I have just been extremely busy, performing in Take the Floor (best thing EVER, more later) and then with family visiting. This is the first week I have had to myself and nothing is really going on until a couple of weeks from now when I start dancing and rehearsing again. So my brain… instead of taking the much-needed and well-deserved time to relax, has decided to GO CRAZY.
I feel like I have a huge decision to make, without an actual tangible decision to make to be honest. I have been in Ireland since January and I’m allowed to be here for a year on my visa. So what next…? Well I want to be in a professional Irish Dancing show. So that’s next. But how? And which show? That all remains to be seen. But what if I want to stay in Ireland? Cuz most of the time I think… yeah maybe I do want to stay here.
Well I have a job at the moment. Maybe I could stay and get myself a work visa? (TRAPPED.) Or I could go home at the end of it and try to figure out what to do then (TRAPPED. NO PLAN) My brain hurts. It just hurts.
On top of it all… I have a situation where I feel like my opinion is not valued and I am being undermined. I cannot stand this. It makes me feel crazy. I don’t like being asked to do something, spending my time doing it and getting invested in it only to be told that it’s not right and needs to change. I AM INDEPENDENT. I need guidelines and then I need to be left alone to do it and TRUSTED TO DO A GOOD JOB! That is what I do.
So I need that. And when I feel like I don’t have that it is very frustrating and makes me want to move on.
I guess that is all that this freakout session is about really… thinking about moving forward. At least my imagination still works. It keeps me sane and gets me excited. What is life if you can’t be excited about living it right?