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How do you describe happiness?

“I fell in love with you, not for how you look, but for who you are… and I will do anything to be with you.”

I read that first part somewhere… and then added on the last bit to make it fit perfectly to tell the story of what has come to be one of the happiest memories of my life. More about that later… probably another post becauseeeeeeee…

…it had me thinking. Happiness. It’s one of those things that everyone knows what it is but equally no one person can define it the same as another. It has so many definitions that it almost has no definition. The funniest thing is that… a million definitions can describe the word. A THOUSAND words can describe the word.

And simply enough… one picture can epitomize the word. Happiness defined. See above.

Why write when you can simply paint the picture of what you are trying to say? When it is as undeniable as the look of happiness, I can see why people would prefer to express it via photos.

How do you describe your happiness? Mine is beaming out of that photo up there. And if someone asked me to define it… well do they have a few hours?

I’d love to hear what you think-

B-

Photo credit to Oisin McHugh Photography

inters

OH MY GOODNESSSSSS

OH MY GOODNESS… OHHHHH wow. How has it been SO LONG. I do adore writing. I really do. But there are certain things- only a few of them, that allow me to really llllliiiiiveeee and explore my life and myself. Here they are:

  • Dancing
  • Painting/drawing
  • Writing
  • Baking

BUTTTTT, I’ve always known this, butttttt I can’t seem to ever do them all at the same time! It is usually one at a time or mayyybee two. Recently I’ve been dancing/directing a piece so I am SO preoccupied with dance that the writing just falls to the side. See they all make me feel the same way … it’s like a release. An escape and just a sense of really living and being myself. So there isn’t enough of me to go around when it comes to these four things.

I have been coloring a bit as well lately but that honestly is all. I’ve been writing in my own journal but I haven’t been on here. Because this … sucks the life out of me in the best way. Same as dancing does. They just cannot coincide equally in my life at the moment.

Today is my only day off from dancing in ages and of course I get this urge to come on here and spit out whatever my brain has cooked up.

But I have to say I am SOOOO nervous. This weekend we have a massive competition. And last night we did a run through performance of it. I swear I thought I was going to get sick. I felt … nervous and full of adrenaline, I also wanted to cry at a few points and my stomach was going CRAZY. That nervous/tingly/adrenaline feeling is absolutely insane. It’s like an out-of-body experience almost.

I’m not even performing and I am so nervous about it. Because I am also so EXCITED. Excited-nervousness is so strong. It makes the heartbeat pound and just everything heightens. That is how I felt last night and how I will feel on Sunday for the actual competition. But honestly… I’ve been faced with this kind of feeling SO many times in my life now, and nothing is more driving.

This time around is different because instead of it being me going up on stage, I have to sit back and watch the work I have put in unfold before my eyes. And … there is nothing I can do to control what happens on the day. ULTIMATE TRUST. Writing about it now is enough to pump my heart rate into oblivion.

The day is near and I cannot wait. I just hope I don’t eat too much, just in case lol =)

Inspired by the Daily Post

 

Feeling lost… sitting on the sun.

I just feel like I’ve given up. But how can I fight for something that has been trying so hard to get away from me to begin with?

I feel lost in this big huge world. There are so many people and many of them are trying to make it and sometimes to make a difference. Well so am I. So am I. Growing up I was raised to feel like I could do anything that I wanted to do. I’m sure I’m not the only one. The other thing is that I wholeheartedly believed it. Despite family members, friends or colleagues commenting on my choices or challenging my beliefs, I believed it and I still do. But think about it… anything is a lot of stuff. Anything means so many things really. So what then? What do I want to do?

I’m sitting here in a cafe in the middle of nowhere Germany, on my day off during this crazy dance tour I’m on and I’m feeling sad. Extremely sad if I’m honest. I’ve achieved a goal of mine, I’ve always wanted to be in a show. But I also always thought that I would love it. The reality is that I love parts of it. And the parts that I love are what make up for the parts I don’t love. I suppose that is life though? Give and take really.

The sadness comes in though, because I have higher goals now. And I’ve come to realize that I have absolutely no plan as to how to achieve them. I had one, but it has fallen through. Well actually… I let it go. Because it wasn’t right for me. I need to be allowed to be free and express myself. I need to feel supported and I don’t. I felt challenged and like I had to defend my skills. But now it feels like I need a break. I am disappointed. I am upset, I feel hurt. I have also decided to let myself feel these things now because at first I tried to push them away because I felt ashamed of them.

But the fact is that I feel desperate. Desperate to find my place in this world and not just to find my spot and fit into it. I want to dig my way through so that I can create the perfect spot for me. I’m not willing to just step into someone else’s spot or fill in a void that has been left behind. Give me my shovel because I am digging. I am determined to carve out my place in the world. To make a dent in it and to make a difference in people’s lives.

But for now, I’m just sitting in this cafe pondering it all and feeling a bit lost. I thought I had come to a point in this path where I could settle down a bit, but it turns out that now is the time to keep digging. Thank goodness for Chai Tea and wifi. It helps to temporarily ease the pain of bearing the burden of being a young person today: being told you can be great and make a difference, while so many other people are being told the same thing and there simply isn’t much room to be different anymore.

How do you bear it? The burden. I do it through tea and writing. And through hugs and chats with friends, when I can. But for now it’s just me and my chai tea because I’m here in Germany, feeling lonely and living for the stage. Wrecking my head for a plan, even though I know Rome wasn’t built in a day. It probably took at least a few days to come up with the blueprint right?

I just feel like there is this brilliance within me. I have so much that I want to give. It’s like sitting on the sun. It can be unbearable when you can’t just let it shine.

You know that feeling?

What is it that gives you the best feeling? For me it’s performing on stage. It is such a rush. I absolutely love it. It feels like… I don’t know like everyone there has been waiting to see me and they are there for me. When I look out into the audience (if the lights aren’t blinding me), I am able to look right into the eyes of who ever I choose. Because I can connect. That is my favorite thing to do when I perform. Connect to these people’s souls. Dancing is a beautiful thing in that way because you can reach into a person’s soul and pull it out a bit. Set it free. Irish dancing is tough because there isn’t much expression in terms of body movements. So I just do it with my face and my eyes. Especially my eyes.

The show is for them. And in turn it becomes great for me. I am doing it for myself because it makes me happy to be doing it for them. Make sense? If you have your thing then you know.

I just feel like they love me. And I have this burning desire to be loved. To be appreciated for what I can do. It’s called passion I think. Because I have it with everything I do. It’s a little flame that burns inside of me that motivates me and makes me want to do well. When it comes to being on stage.. that flame is like a match that lights up an entire brush fire.

You know how they say that doing something for someone else is the best way to help yourself? Well AMEN. Because honestly… going out doing a show every night… dancing your butt off, being constantly sore, being exhausted and traveling like a maniac… is not cute. It’s not. But it is people’s dream because they love the dance and even more so… I swear it’s because of the way they feel on stage. That is because of the people. Your audience. My audience.

When you have to work so hard to do something the process of it can be a struggle. It is the struggle. It’s grueling and exhausting and you will be sweating and crying and even sometimes doubting the whole thing. But THANK GOODNESS for foresight. Because when I feel like that… I just think about that feeling… you know that feeling? The feeling that you get when you are so alive and ignited. The passion has been sparked and you are in your element. Everything feels like a dream. That. Feeling.

Makes the struggle bearable.

Time= Gold.

What is really important to you in this day and age? Let’s be honest with ourselves here. If Kim Kardashian or Justin Beiber favorited your tweet or better yet, retweeted you, would your life be made? If you posted up a photo on Instagram and it got hundreds of likes, would that be the “best day of your life”? What about if you changed your profiler on Facebook and your ex saw it and immediately messaged you saying he or she missed you. Life = complete?

Or let’s take it in a different direction. You spent a great night with friends having cocktails and dinner. Great day right? Great life right? You cook dinner for your kids and they love it. Now they are full and happy. Fulfilled.

You get into work early and get all of your work done, get a pat on the back from your boss. Winning? You work extra late and put in time at home to get a project done. That’s important right?

Weeks on end of rehearsals come to an end in a spectacular performance that you’ve been waiting for. That’s important. You train your buns off in order to win the race at the meet. V important yeah? Powering through that last workout to be able to say you beat your personal record. More power to ya, that is important.

You finish an entire pizza from Domino’s and then a pint of B&Js cookie dough deliciousness. Absolutely killin’ the life game. That’s the s*** right there.

Well what is it? What is really important. Honestly. What fulfills you? What is your most prized possession? I know these are gigantic questions. But for me the answer is simple.

My time. My time is important. My time is worth more to me than anything else I could have. My time is invaluable. I can choose what to do with it and who to spend it with. That is important.

Think about your time and how you are spending it. Are you spending it wisely? Are you happy about your use of your time? Are you allowing people to take advantage of your time? Don’t. Use it for you and for others however you choose. Eat that pizza if you want. Train for that comp if you want. Get into work early if you want. Whatever you choose, you are cashing in time that you won’t get back so use it wisely. Use it happily. Use it with a fire under your buns because it will propel you forward. Use it or you just lose it. It slips away. Avoid that at all costs.

Whatever it is that you are doing, always feel like you are doing what you should be doing and/or what you want to be doing.

Take control of your time and how you use it. Time is gold people.

I won’t let anybody boss me and my time around. No way no freaking how. And I’m proud of it. I don’t care very much about what I am “supposed to be doing” or what I “should do” or what “everyone else is doing”. LAME. So lame. I’m not cashing in my time chips for that nonsense. And I’m tired of seeing all these inspiring people around me doing the same. Just falling into line with the rest of the drones. NO WAY PEOPLE> that is not how change is made in the world. If you look at people living a fantastic life of whatever the heck it is they are doing and you think… why not me… then WHY NOT YOU?!

Why. Not. You. Why not you? Come on nowwwww don’t fall for the trap. There is SO MUCH to be done in this world! Choose something and go for it. Make a meaningful path. It kills me on a daily basis that I haven’t found that thing that makes me tick yet. You should want to be an active participant in this world. Using your time to the fullest. Because if you don’t… you will lose it. Do NOT cash in your time chips reluctantly guys. Just don’t do it okay?

LIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEEE #live

OH mann my brain is trying to KILL ME.

I haven’t seen the sun in days. I’ve been in the house since Sunday. Apart from a quick trip to the doctor and the pharmacy on Monday. I have been completely knocked out. I’ve slept as much as I can because standing up gives me that funny kind of feeling. You know that sit down-stand up headache? That’s what I call it anyway. When I’m sitting or even better, lying down, I feel fine and then when I stand up it all rushes to me and I feel dizzy or ill or whatever else again.

When I sleep I wake up feeling better, that’s for sure. I know that my brain has been cleaned out of all the craziness of the moments before I fell asleep. Though this is quite a crazy time in my life, ironically. I am so sick that I can barely do anything, but at the same time so many things are still happening because I am in a transition phase.

I have gotten into a show. FINALLY. A touring show. In Germany. This is THE GOAL. THE GOAL HAS BEEN ACHIEVED! My brain is exploding with pride and happiness over that. It is also reflecting. Reflecting on the journey. It has been quite a rocky bumpy roller coaster of a ride to get to this point and I am so happy to say that I’ve actually accomplished what I came here to do. I had no idea how I was going to do it really. But I want to perform. I want to be on stage and now I will for three weeks in Germany. I am thrilled about this and cannot wait to see how it goes for me. I plan on enjoying every second of it and learning heaps.

So since it starts in just over a week… well my entire life has to transition now and I have to prepare for that. This is a logistical nightmare really lol. My brain is going to fall out of my head over this. Though being sick helps me take things easy. I am slowly but surely sorting things out. And the rest of it just has to wait till after the next nap time ya know? Such is life.

But see.. this is why I wrote trying. It is trying but my body won’t let it. My heart needs time to rest. My body needs time to recuperate. My soul needs time to be nourished and loved. My pride needs time to swell and to meditate. Some times you just have to care for you. And the craziness inside the mind needs to take a seat.

So I’m lying here resting and being. Feeling and sleeping. Hoping and dreaming. My brain is getting used to it.

This will set me up for success in the next chapter of my life.

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Sick in bed… what to do but write?

14 Bottles of wine. 7 girls. Two nights. You do the math.

Lying here sick in bed… listening to an 8 tracks playlist called Reflections. So appropriate. I’m so sick I’ve been knocked on my buns and all I have been able to do is lie here with my thoughts and myself and my Netflix. Netflix time is over because I’ve just watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I don’t know if I can top that one to be honest. I love that movie. I wish I could be slick like them. I also watched this movie today called The Words. It was a beautiful story.

Life is a funny thing. It really is. My body has decide to put itself under attack because I have been going crazy since the end of July with no real rest at all really. So I woke up on my birthday- the start of my 24th year. With a nasty head cold. I pushed through the day of course… because it was my birthday so who wouldn’t! I also had a ticket to the infamous Web Summit thanks to my boss and so I didn’t want to miss out on the day. I also had to be at the RTE TV studio at 5pm that evening to film the Semifinal of our journey in An Jig Gig- an Irish Dance competition show.

So… long day and I made it through. My head cleared up for the time of the show which was amazing. But it all came crashing back down on me after the adrenaline faded away. My group were absolutely amazing though. They surprised me with a cake and even found a tea light candle to put in it! LOL. It was fabulous. I felt really special. And tired.

But listen… it didn’t end there because the next day I was off to Galway with my love. I thought it would just be us two but it turns out that there were TONS of surprises in store. I was greeted by my girls in the hotel lobby and found out that they’d be staying the weekend as well. AMAZINGGGGGG. We check in and walk upstairs only to find that one of my best friends and old college roommates was waiting for me behind a pile of balloons. I CRIED. Couldn’t even contain it.

And they told me that was it. So they TOLDDDD me that was it lol. And so we made a plan to go to dinner. Not without 2 bottles of prosecco and a birthday toast of course! Then dinner and then drinking and chatting the night away. It was fabulous. My head hated me. But the rest of me had an amazing time.

Woke up the next day feeling ill. And not the famous hip hopper, rap star kind of ill, the awful head cold sinus infection kind of ill. Went to breakfast and for a bit of a walk around anyway. After that though… I needed some drugs and a rest. So  that’s what I got. It pays to be the bday girl that’s for sure. Sinutab- Thanks bro. You hooked it up. We watched Frozen. What a freaking good movie. Honestly… so good. Then it was time for dinner… my favorite fish n chips in the world. Thank you Galway for hosting that. And just a little while after dinner and after we had started breaking out the card games… the room door opens and ANOTHER SURPRISE GUEST WALKS IN. I cried. Obviously. So nowwwww the surprises were over. For real. And I was absolutely DELIGHTED with life. That   only meant 1 thing. It was time to buck up. So down went the Sinutab… washed away with some wine of course.

We went out. We danced. We drank wine. We took shots. We sang. We yelled. We took photos. We took selfles. We laughed. We cried. We ate pizza.

And the rest is history people. I have amazing friends. I received some amazing gifts but the best gift of all was the gift of their time with me. Their presence was truly a present =)

It was a dream birthday celebration really. There is so much more to say but honestly guys… what happens in Galway stays in Galway. So here’s to the next girls weekend and hopefully some of the photos are decent enough to be shared!

Thank you gals for making my bday a dream. Especially you my love <3

I guess it was worth the bronchitis lol.